SUNDANCE RANTS
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MAY 5 2008
RIVERDALE, Utah — The police chief in Riverdale accidentally shot himself in an ankle while demonstrating how to dislodge a jammed handgun.
Chief Dave Hansen was taken to McKay-Dee Hospital in Ogden for surgery.
The 54-year-old chief accidentally fired a gun during a training exercise inside a conference room at Riverdale police headquarters.
A fire captain and Riverdale Mayor Bruce Burrows confirmed the chief shot himself Saturday in an ankle bone. They said he was trying to fix a gun with a jammed round when the bullet fired.
Riverdale police officers carry .40-caliber pistols.
Hospital supervisor Rohn Larsen said Hansen was in stable condition Sunday. Larsen said he couldn't reveal which ankle — left or right — the chief shot.
A Weber County dispatcher said nobody from the Riverdale police department was available Sunday to release any information on the accident. A patrol officer on duty Sunday said he didn't know anything about it.
The chief's brother, a state lawmaker, said Hansen is a 23-year veteran and chief of the Riverdale police force since 2006.
Rep. Neil Hansen, D-Ogden, said he regularly goes target practicing with his brother and described him as safety-conscious.
"I've never seen him do anything reckless," Neil Hansen told the Standard-Examiner of Ogden.
Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?
Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
He bega n to rub my breasts.
Defense Attor ney:
Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'
Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?
Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little prick!
Is this how a marriage really works?
A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in
love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to
his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
" Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I' m going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the
refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different
countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India , etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying
was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."
He didn't get to finish the se ntence, because the wife interrupted him by saying,
"You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the
freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the
Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won't be long, I'll be
right back. I promise. OK?"
You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes
of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips,
etc.
"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know...there's swearing, dirty words and
all that..."
"You want dirty words, dickhead? Drink your fucking beer in your damn frozen mug and eat your fucking snacks, because you are married now, and you aren't fucking going anywhere! Got it, asshole?"
-
Amish sex
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one
cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, 'My hands are
freezing cold'
The mother replied, 'Put them between your legs. Your body heat will
warm them up.' The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.
The next day, the daug hter was riding with her boyfriend who said,
'My hands are freezing cold.' The girl replied, 'Put them between my legs.
The warmth of my body will warm them up.' He did and warmed his
hands.
The following day, the boyfriend was
again in the buggy with the
daughter. He said, 'My nose is cold.'
The girl replied, 'Put it betwee n my legs. The warmth of my body
will warm it up'. He did and warmed his nose.
The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter,
and he said, "My penis is frozen solid"
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her
mother again, and she says to her mother, 'Have you ever heard of a
penis?'
Slightly concerned the mother said,' Why, yes...?! Why do you ask?'
The daughter replies: 'They make one hell of a mess when they
defrost, don't they?!
Bullshit and Brilliance
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa,
taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the
company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long,
Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a
leopard heading
rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing
some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to
chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the
leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that
was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around
here?'
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a
look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
'Whew!' says the leopard, 'That was close! That old poodle nearly
had me!'
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a
nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade
it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old
poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and
figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with
the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with
the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says,
'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that
conniving canine!
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his
back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of
running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers,
pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close
enough to hear, the old poodle says.
'Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me
another leopard!
Moral of this story....
Don't mess with old farts .. age and treachery will always overcome
youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and
experience.
FREEDOM IN DANGER!!!
MARCH 27, 2008
COLUMBIA, S.C. (AP) -- Exotic dancers would have
to stay six feet from strip club customers and those businesses would have to close at
midnight under a bill being considered by House lawmakers.
Scott Bergthold is a Tennessee-based lawyer who told a House subcommittee on Thursday that
late operating hours for strip clubs creates more crime and problems for police.
Bergthold says stripper dances may be protected by courts, but not when they touch
customers, which is commonly known as a lap dance.
He says there's no constitutional right to lap dances.
The House Judiciary Committee will next take up the proposal.
COMING TO A NEIGHBORHOOD NEAR YOU
MEXICO
One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. She was very surprised by his sudden romantic impulse.
He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh. By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.
"Why are you stopping darling?", she whispered.
He whispered back, "I found the remote!"
Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office... but she was dating someone else.
One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you..."The girl looked at him, and then said, "NO!"
Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boy friend...so she called him and explained the situation.
Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast.. He won't even be able to get his pants down." She agreed and accepts the proposal.
Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.....?
Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all quarters!"
Management Lesson: Always consider a business proposition in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.
HAPPY NEW YEAR 2008
AND HERE IS THE FIRST DUMB-ASS OF THE YEAR
JANUARY 1, 2008
CHAPARRAL, N.M. — Getting a tattoo can be a painful proposition, but usually it's just the needle you have to worry about.
Two men trying to trace a loaded .357-caliber Magnum as a pattern for a tattoo accidentally shot themselves, the Otero County Sheriff's Department said Monday.
Robert Glasser and Joey Acosta, both 22, were treated at a hospital in El Paso, Texas, after the shooting Thursday evening in nearby Chaparral.
Authorities said Glasser was struck in the hand when the gun accidentally went off, and Acosta was hit in the left arm. Their injuries were not life-threatening, authorities said.
DECEMBER 14 2007
GOTTA LOVE THIS GUY
PORTLAND, Ore. — A tow truck driver, upset over a recent ticket, tried to tow a Gresham police cruiser Thursday. Police said Steven Syverson, 32, was arrested after he hooked his truck to the marked police vehicle while the officer was responding to a domestic disturbance call.
The police press release said the arrest unfolded this way:
A fellow officer noticed Syverson and ordered him to release the cruiser. After some hesitation, he did.
When the other officer returned to his cruiser, Syverson got back in his tow truck, locked the doors and refused to cooperate.
Then Syverson called the police station, "apparently unsatisfied with the police response he had generated when he tried to tow a marked police vehicle."
The manager of the tow company was summoned and finally coaxed Syverson into surrendering.
Syverson was charged with unlawful use of a vehicle, obstructing governmental administration, interfering with a peace officer and criminal mischief.
FFred and Liz got married but couldn't afford a honeymoon,
so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's for their first night together. In the morning,
Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the
door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Liz are up yet.
She replies, "No".
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His Mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his Mom, "Are Fred and Liz up yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His Mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to
school."
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Liz up yet?"
His Mom says, "No."
He asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His Mom replies, "OK, now tell me what you think?"
He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline
and I think......... I gave him my airplane glue."
A United States Marine was attending some college courses between
assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One
of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member
of the ACLU.
One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He
looked to
the ceiling and flatly stated, 'God, if you are real, then I want you
to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes.'
The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes
went by and the professor proclaimed, 'Here I am God. I'm still
waiting.'
It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of
his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking
him off the platform. The professor was out cold
The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other
students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in
silence.
The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the
Marine and asked, 'What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you
do that?'
The Marine calmly replied, 'God was too busy today protecting
America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid shit
and act like an asshole. So, He sent me.'
Two boys in Boston were playing baseball when one of them was attacked by a Rottweiler. The dog had already locked his jaws on the boys legs. Thinking quickly, the other boy ripped a board off of a nearby fence, wedged it into the dog's collar and twisted it, breaking the dog's neck. A newspaper reporter fromthe Boston Herald witnessed the incident and rushed over to interview the boy. The reporter began entering data into his laptop, beginning with the headline, 'Brave Boston Red Sox Fan Saves Friend From Jaws Of Vicious Animal.' "But I'm not a Boston Red Sox fan," the little hero interjected. "Sorry" replied the reporter. "But since we're in Boston, I just assumed you were." &nb sp; Hitting the delete key, the reporter began again, "John Kerry Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Dog Attack" "But I'm not a John Ker ry fan either," the boy responds. The reporter says, "I assumed everybody in this state was either for the Red Sox, John Kerry, or Ted Kennedy. What team or person do you like?' "I'm a Texas Ranger fan, and I really like George W. Bush", the boy says. Hitting the delete key, the reporter began again: "Arrogant Little Republican Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet
Three Arkansas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.
One of them said, "I'm the best Surgeon in Arkansas. In my favorite case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England.
The second surgeon said. "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in track and field events in the Olympics.
"The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a woman was high on cocaine and marijuana and she rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the woman's blonde hair and the horse's ass. I was able to put them together and now she's running for President
A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish.
They are in line trying to enter the pearly gates of Heaven when St. Peter asks the first girl, "Have you ever had any contact with a male organ?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, " Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy
Water and pass through the gate."
"St. Peter asks the next girl the same question,
"Have you ever had any contact with a male organ?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says, " Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."
Suddenly, there is a lot of commotion near the back of the line, one girl is pushing her way to the front. When she reaches St. Peter, he says, "What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Maria sticks her ass in it."
March 6, 1836
On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and walked from his bunk on the
floor of the Alamo up to the observation post on the west wall. William B.
Travis and Jim Bowie were up there already. The three gazed at the hordes
of Mexicans moving steadily towards them.
Davy turned to Bowie with a puzzled look on his face and said, "Jim, are we
pouring concrete today?"
The Bet...
Two families move from Pakistan to America . When
they arrive the two fathers make a bet to see -- in a year's time -- which family
has become more Americanized.
A year later they meet again.
The first man says, "My son is playing baseball. I had breakfast at McDonalds, and
I'm on my way to pick up a case of Bud. How about you?"
The second man replies, "Fuck you, Raghead."
A man and his ever nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150". The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance.......
Dear Abby,
I am a crack dealer in Beaumont , Texas who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of HIV virus. My parents live in Fort Worth . One of my sisters lives in Pflugerville and is married to a transvestite.
My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Dallas .
I have two brothers: one is currently serving a non-parole life sentence at Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three children.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Longview . She is a part time "working girl"..
All things considered, my problem is this. I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her.
Should I tell her about my cousin who supports Hillary Clinton for President?
Signed, Worried About My Reputation
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.
All the typical answers came up - fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth. However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money." The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."
The Parish Priest's Chickens...
Why you should think before you speak ...
The priest in a small Irish village loved his chickens that he kept in the coop behind the church. One Sunday morning before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing.
He knew about the cock fights in the village, so he decided to question his parishioners in church. During mass, he asked his congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"
All the men stood up.
"No, no, that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"
All the women stood up.
"No, no, that wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"
Half the women stood up !
"No, no, no, that wasn't what I meant. What I really really mean is, has anybody seen MY cock?"
Six altar boys and two priests stood up.!!
A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a
local court, but the
custody of their children posed a problem.
The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since
she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody
of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his
side of the story.
After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and
replied:
"Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a Pepsi comes
out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"
... DON'T LAUGH HE WON!!!!!!!...
Why it's important to understand English............
I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to
the currency exchange window at the local bank. The line was very short.
Just one lady in front of me . . . an Asian lady, who was trying to
exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated
She asked the teller, 'Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla
fo yen.
Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?'
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations'.
The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people, too............
A TRAGEDY?
The Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, while visiting a primary school class, found themselves in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked both men if they would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy". So the illustrious Rev. Jackson asks the class for an example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."
"No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains the exalted Reverend Al. "That's what we would call a great loss." The room goes silent. No other children volunteer.
Reverend Al searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raises his hand. In a stern voice he says: "If a plane carrying the Reverends Jackson and Sharpton were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson and Sharpton, "That's right. And can you tell us why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says little Johnny, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either
Murphy's Lesser Known Laws
1.Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2.Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
3.Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
4.Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
5.The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
6.If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.
7.The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk left by those who got there first.
8.The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
9.A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
10.When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Skinny Dipping & Old Men An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice -- picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator." Some old men can still think fast. |
A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. " Hello ? "
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
" Yes ," whispered the small voice
May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, " No ."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" " Yes ."
"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, " No ."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?" " Yes ," whispered the child, " a policeman ".
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
" No, he's busy ", whispered the child. "Busy doing what?"
" Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," came the whispered answer Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through t he earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?" " A helicopter " answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a helicopter ." Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... " ME ."
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.
Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world."
Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."
Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the most disgusting person in the world."
So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified.
Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy. "It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world."
Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am now officially the smallest person in the world."
Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and says."Who the hell is Rosie O'Donnel
A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone. He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around.
He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation.
The old man said, "Well, We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied except---" and he stopped.
"Except what?" the man asked.
"Nothing, nothing."
C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis."
"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo.
The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"
The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
He pointed to a door and said, "Voodoo Penis, the door."
The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle.
Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!"
The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiet once more.
"I'll take it!" said the businessman.
The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch."
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny and remembered the Voodoo Penis .... She undressed, opened the box and said, "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!" The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping.
It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting.
She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.
She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road.
A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink officer.
You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right ... Voodoo Penis, my ass."
And the rest is history.
Mailman Retires
It was George the mailman's last day on the job after
35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of
weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at
the first house on his route, he was greeted by the
whole family who roundly and soundly congratulated him
and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At
the second house, they presented him with a box of
fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a
selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a
strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.
She took him by the hand, gently led him through the
door and up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew
his mind with the most passionate love he had ever
experienced! When he had enough, they went downstairs
where she fixed him a giant breakfast; eggs, potatoes,
ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed
orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured
him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he
noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the
cup's bottom edge. "All of this was just too wonderful
for words", he said; "But what's the dollar for"?
"Well", she said, "last night, I told my husband that
today would be your last day, and that we should do
something special for you. I asked him what to give
you, and he said; "Screw him. Give him a dollar". "The
breakfast was my idea!!"
A man complained to his friend "My elbow hurts I better go to the doctor." "Don't do that," volunteered his friend "there's a new computer at the drug store that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then the computer will give you your diagnosis and plan of treatment."
The man figured he had nothing to lose so he took a sample of urine down to the drug store. Finding the machine, he poured in the urine and deposited the $10. The machine began to buzz and various lights flashed on and off. After a short pause, a slip of paper popped out on which was printed:
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water twice a day. Avoid heavy labor. Your elbow will be better in two weeks
That evening as the man contemplated this breakthrough in medical science, he began to suspect fraud. To test his theory he mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and teenage daughter. To top it all off, he masturbated into the jar.
He took this concoction down to the drug store, poured it in the machine, and deposited $10. The machine went through the same buzzing and flashing routine as before then printed out the following message:
Your tap water has lead. Get a filter. Your dog has worms. Give him vitamins. Your daughter is on drugs. Get her in rehab. Your wife is pregnant. It's not your baby - get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.
The Lone Ranger and Tonto stopped in the desert for the night.
After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe,
Look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, It tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"
Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber than Buffalo poop. It means someone stole tent."Two good 'ol boys over in Kentucky were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer. After a while the 1st guy said to the 2nd guy, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"
The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, then scratched his head and squinted his eyes, thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he replied, "Well, I don't know about making us kin, but it sure would make us even."
A true account recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota,Florida...
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon
returning to her car, found four males in the act of
leaving with her vehicle.
She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun,
proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have
a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"
The four men didn't wait for a second invitation.
They got out and ran like mad.
The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her
shopping bags into the back of the car and got into
the driver's seat.She was so shaken that she could not
get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried,
and then it dawned on her why...For the same reason
she did not understand why there was a football, a
Frisbee and two 12 packs in the front seat...
A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four
or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into
the car and drove to the police station to report her
mistake.
The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop
laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter,
where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a
mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five
feet tall, glasses, curly white hair and carrying a
large handgun.
No charges were filed MORAL OF THE STORY?
If you're going to have a Senior Moment, make it
memorable
